seeing differently

It’s January and I really want to start the New Year feeling good so for 60 days husband and I are doing a totally holistic cleanse. I like to do the odd fast and cleanse from juice fasts at the spring equinox to eating mung beans for 40 days on the yoga teacher training so this is nothing new for me but my motives are.

My plan involves the following: No gluten, dairy, wheat, sugar, starchy carbs, alcohol, caffeine or tap water. I’m then having hot water and lemon every morning and doing at least 10 minutes a day of meditation, manifesting, affirmations, shakti dancing or rebounding. Plus a bit of pampering at least twice a month. (check out groupon for amazing offers on massages)

This wasn’t a dodgy New Year’s resolution to lose weight or diet (because news flash – diets don’t work) but actually a resolution to spend more time this year honouring myself. We generally don’t spend enough time doing stuff that makes us feel good because of being busy or (in my case) being plain lazy. This also isn’t about denial, or self loathing. I’ve been on a huge journey to like myself so the last thing I want to do is punish myself. Lots of resolutions fail because the motive is to change something we don’t like about ourselves. I often hear ” if I just lost a stone/stop smoking/ change job I’d be happy” the choice is to be happy now.

I’m a Kinesiology Teacher, a Reiki Master and a Yoga Teacher with a wealth of tools at my disposal and I walk my talk but I’m not perfect (who is?) and I have my demon foods the same as everyone else. However when I combined a difficult year, a busy lifestyle and the odd glass of wine, being lazy with meditation and giving in to occasional trigger foods, the result was not feeling as sparkly and dynamic as I could. The yogic belief is that 40 days breaks a habit, I’m doing 60 because I want to really improve my commitment to myself. This is a self-love revolution.

So I’m a week in and loving it. It’s not that I can’t have foods, or a lazy lie in, it honestly feels that I don’t want to. I’ve given myself a better option – changing your mind set with your resolutions is really important. If you feel denial or misery your body will produce the stress hormone. If you feel bliss it releases the happy hormone. If you come from a place of committing to yourself with deep self love you will truly change your life. It will feel really good and you will be spreading that joy wherever you go. That’s real revolution.

My daughter turns 8 in January.

Like millions of other parents I am dutifully arranging her party and making sure she feels special on her birthday whilst trying not to spend the GDP of a small country in the process. This year is different however, this year I’m excited about the day and I’m also sad because I cannot believe how quickly my beautiful little girl is growing up. This sounds really normal and you are probably wondering why I’d bother blogging about it except for me it’s not. It’s a brand new feeling. The last seven years have passed in a blur of “going through the motions” and plastering a big fake smile on my face as I carry in her cake.

This time eight years ago I was thirty eight weeks pregnant and had that slightly desperate and fed up look of a woman about to give birth. I’d sailed through pregnancy which is an appropriate phrase as I was the size of an ocean liner but I was excited and ready for the big event. When my labour finally started I was two weeks overdue and I thought I was ready but nothing could prepare me for what lay ahead.

I won’t labour on about my labour but the crux of it was that baby disengaged her head and I stopped dilating resulting in three days of labour, hospital oxytocin drips, having my waters broken, pethidine, epidural and an emergency c-section, during which I haemorrhaged and lost a litre of blood. The horror of the labour was compounded by the fact that two weeks later I went back to a stressful job. This left me scarred emotionally and physically and I spiralled into chronic post natal depression, I spent the best part of three years swapping between manically working and lying in my bed in foetal position, totally avoiding being alone with my baby in case I tried to kill her. By The time the depression finally went away it had left me crippled with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I still have it although it is effectively managed with a very healthy supplemented diet, exercise , emotional work and regular Kinesiology.

Then only last year I realised I didn’t love my child. It wasn’t for lack of trying, I simply couldn’t because there was too much pain and panic in the place where the love was supposed to be. I couldn’t spend any time with her. The thought of it scared me so much I felt sick. An amazing clinical psychologist diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder and I learnt how to work through it.

I know I’m not a unique case. Millions of women suffer trauma after birth and it’s never really discussed or understood. In fact admitting you don’t love your child or dislike the job of parenting is a massive taboo. My experience profoundly changed my life. Before I was unhealthy and negative and hated my job but part of me died in that hospital and years later a new me finally broke through. I retrained, I got healthy and I worked through my stuff. My condition literally saved my life and I’m eternally grateful to it.

So in a few days time like all of you I will be celebrating Christmas and the best gift I will get is the warm glow from seeing my beautiful little girl opening her presents. And in January when I carry in that birthday cake the smile on my face will finally be real and a miniscule expression of how much I can now love her.

To end I bring you this Christmas song because for me, my real present is how I am now blessed to finally feel the love for my child.

Claire fighting her MS beast in really good knickers

The highlight of my week: “I can put my knickers on easily” says my client whilst standing up and doing me a demo.
It was funny, but it actually made me cry with joy.

This client is called Claire and is a pretty, bubbly, lovely young woman who was recently diagnosed with MS, not the one that comes and goes but the one that doesn’t stop until it’s taken everything you hold dear in your life and ravaged your body. I trained in physical disability so know only too well the effects this condition can cause.

When Claire contacted me, it wasn’t for an “out there” cure for MS, she wanted some food sensitivity testing as she had put herself on a radical diet that can possibly halt the progression of the disease. I explained that the work I do could also support her body nutritionally and emotionally and give her body the tools it needs to fight back and give the disease no reason to progress.
 
This of course comes with no guarantee but it’s better than waiting for the inevitable.

Claire had a leg that was dragging a bit and stopped her running. It would have probably gone undiagnosed had a brilliant Physio not spotted it. By the time I met her she couldn’t run, had some instability in the leg, tingly arms and a diagnosis. But she decided that wasn’t going to define her. She is throwing herself into the jaws of the beast, determined to keep her life.

Claire radically altered her life, she researched and requested an almost unknown drug, she works on positive thought programming, she is eating food which supports her body not depleting it, she is taking a lot of nutrition to give her poor nervous system the tools it needs to repair itself and more importantly we are working together as a team.

We often talk about the 80:20 rule. I can only do 20% of the work, the client has to do the other 80%. They need to take the nutrition, make mindful food choices, do their exercise and deal with their stuff. I can only offer recommendations.

In my experience the clients who get the “wow” results are the ones keep coming even if they haven’t seen a result for a session or two and keep taking nutrition and do all the weird and wonderful techniques I recommend. They keep throwing themselves at the jaws of the beast and they eventually win the prize in the end. Their health and their freedom. 

By taking responsibility for their health and not handing it over to the NHS or even to me, they are making a stand against their conditions and changing their future.  The truth is even if we are already “well” we still need to do this stuff. Supporting our bodies nutritionally, exercising, eating supportive foods, avoiding too much medication and working on the emotions that hold us back. It works and gives us the ultimate prize. A healthy life and a deeper understanding of ourselves.

So this is for Claire and for all my other amazing clients who come with IBS, bad backs, bad skin, fertility issues, M.E and everything in between.

Your courage, determination and tenacity is inspiring. I salute you. It’s a huge honour to be supporting you on your incredible journeys.

Permission to publish given by client.

Image by Genzoman